apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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