so explain again why im purple
no
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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