My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
