if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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