They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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