actually, I'm a sock model
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
