Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
