I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
