Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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