you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
