Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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