She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
