halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
