i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
