My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We are two peas in an std pod
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
