I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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