if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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