I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
