just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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