my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Congratulations! We have a period
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
