We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize