I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
