I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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