If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
