can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
