alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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