my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
