i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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