Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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