I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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