im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
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As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
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He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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