I showed him my bush... on skype.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
