Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
