Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
