so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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