I wish my penis had an off switch
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
