The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I need water and some morals
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
