fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
