My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
