Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
