I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
