just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
