1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
