i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
