If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
