This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
