my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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