I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
