I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
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By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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