if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My ATM looks so different sober.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
