put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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