i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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