Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
