god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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