I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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