My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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