I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
