the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
