I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
